Today I had a really surreal moment (before K. Chandrasekaran decided to abuse me on our sametime.  I am going to ignore him for now..where was I again? Oh yeah I had a surreal moment today. It’s not often that you are really happy someone is born(no I did not become a father and no Im not talking abt my girlfriend). This bugger was born arnd 25-26 years back. He and a few others who I will chronicle from now like constable numbers in old tamil films (203, 501 etc). Another interruption…strange how things plot against you revealing an intimate moment to the whole wide world..anyway I shall continue. He and a few others managed to get me out of the worst crisis of my entire life. How did I suddenly think of him now? well because I just came back after attending his father’s(who I saw for the first time ever) sashtayidapurthy(screw the spelling). Now I might be a lot of things, but falling at the feat is something I did very rarely(usually when my mother stared at me as if I screwing someone in the marriage hall). But thi time I didnt need any goading, I was truly grateful for them and wished them a long and happy life and took their aashirvaadam.

Now for the story:

I had a dream. Though it didnt have any black or white people in it. It had a brown lass. Someone who I cared for like nothing I had ever cared for in my entire life. Typical of me then to go and screw it up(that part of how stays with me). In the torturous months which followed, I became a kind of mental(not that I was not already) but I became worse. Drinking problems arose, and like torrential rain so did suicidal thoughts(again this is for later). I somehow managed to drag myself to office and come back home. My roomies who were also my lab mates made sure I did. Sure enough days turned to months and nothing improved. I didnt knw how the news reached this guy(we werent like chaddi buddies) but he had the patience and heart to take a thankless and sometimes wierdass guy(alone risking his own safety I might add) to every place he could think off.  Trying to get my mind working back again. He introduced me to friends(in front of whom I made an ass of myself but at that time I was more like dead anyway so I didnt care) got sloshed in a beach party, went to a new year’s party looking like a guy who came for his first dentist appointment! He even took me to blur(its a gaming center in chennai) ferrying me across chennai(yes Im a bikeless mickey mouse) without ever uttering a word as to why he was doing this and without expecting even an acknowledgment from me. In my eyes that takes a lot of patience and even more amount of love for a friend. Hell I was in that state of mind in which I didnt even recognize what he was doing for me. Now Im back to normal(my kinda normal at least ) and I wanted to thank my friend through this post. He is one of the reasons why Im walking this earth happily and not like a zombie(another pt is I might not be walking this earth at all).

So Dilip Muralidharan my sincere thanks and gratitude forever for your love, friendship, support and tolerance through the worst period of my life. I love you man and will be there for you throughout my life.

All alone in an alien world,

sent to make it better

Till now what all has unfold

Just makes me shudder.

Thoughts of Amps, Pf and Volts

My weapon a Tong Tester

Pulling wires and hairs and bolts

Things just wont get any better!

Three weeks have passed since being told

Get here!

Power Tong, readings, backlog and wires

Am outta here!

Morning of drenched, dastardly cold

pants and phone gone bonkers

Headache now of pain untold!

I must be out of my crocker.

walking to the window I heard not a sound

just then suddenly a few drops splashed around

the clouds opened up in a matter of fact way

water poured down like a continuous blaze

I was feeling happy with a hot cup of tea,

glad that I wasnt out there in the sleaze

the roads were gone, pot holes were filled

for a moment I thought I was in Brazil!

all the while sipping the tea, saw two men from atop my tree

looking so small like buzzing bees,

covering their head with just polythene.

the rain pouring down wiping their tears,

walking on the grime, hope their destination is near

here I was nice and warm, using my laptop whenever I want.\

Sad for them but happy it rained, atleast it might take away the stain

what if they slip? what if they fall? will someone pick them up at all?

we are all alone in this big bad world, some without families

some without friends, some without anyone awaiting their end.

then the silence broke like a glass, the thunder had decided to act fast

shaken from my sorrow, I headed back,

the silent rain continued, without any slack

A pain so great the heart cries a day

Vehemently denying what has already gone wrong

Interested in living the days long ago

Naturally depression is what i have to undergo

Again and again i go back to my songs

Sumptuously enjoying the hurt of the gong

Heaven only knows my loss is not begone

Yearning now to get back to my feet howling Co’mon!

Looking around to a world that changed,

reliving was I in a whirlpool of pain,

dragged out of it like a walk in a park,

heaven knows what might have happened had it not,

living along with a soul so dead,

a stone, a rod or even a zombie instead;

would have done justice than I have,

Ridicullous a spell was cast in bed.

smitten by a smile so pure and divine,

melted my soul to a honey bed,

one single bear with that same simple smile,

came over and sucked it dead.

Await I lay for months on tart,

living in rags and pieces of grass,

fire in my lungs and a burnt liver apart,

shredded my heart, was it just the start?

forgiveness was begged for a fault I knew not,

second chance in life I prayed with what’s left of my heart.

little did I know with 3 seconds remaining,

till death do apart is still a while away.

courage or cowardice still I know not,

made me walk away and swear it no return,

thankful I am, was it 8 months, alas!

my folly would be cringed due to a change of heart.

why I suffered so much I ask,

part of life’s training for the journey beyond,

as of now I have come out of the dark,

led by a hand I never want to leave without.

The hand that rocks the cradle, it maybe not.

The hand that saved the grave, it certainly was,

not many may agree what I did was true,

but its a first experience for me too.

what I learnt from this in a pie,

a bangle, a smile, life so simple? its a lie!

Sometimes I wonder…whether all of us are just being deaf in this world…the deafness is not in the ability to hear but in our abilities to listen and understand the other person. For a long time and probably I still am like that still, I was unable to understand other people. The same way other people never seemed to understand me. I somehow think its my fault. But is it my fault I cannot even figure out where my fault lies? For years I have accepted everything that happened wrong in my life as my fault. It was probably more convinent for the self pitying and the moany side of my personality. I have had to hide it from the rest of the world my extra zealous joker like tendencies to express my innermost fears and feelings like a practical joke I played on myself or others. I am getting sick and tired of it now. I refuse to believe that I can be so bad that everything that has gone wrong can be only my fault. But I am unable to segregate and differentiate/pin point the exact parts which are my fault and which arent. Funnily I end up thinking thats my fault too.

Walking alone in the breeze, on the beach but where is she?

the one who made me sit at night,

for hours together aah blissful sight:

what is bliss but her mere

presence causes absence of fear!

of the world no one was dear

the path to life was really clear

early morn or deep in the night

not one tear or cause of fright

bling! oh there, she is in dreams;

in sweet meadows and flowing streams,

dust and heat with powercut nights

caused me to be in pitiful plight

walking alone, smiling wide and bright

even with honking and sights causing much blight

crazy am I to be in such bliss

temporary insanity I so nearly missed

what is it but a refuge for the sane

whose decisions for the world may seem insane

for the warm hand which took me out of my quicksand

A link, a thought, a blink? I dare not!

what words of pain, so fateful its insane!

bull! fate is fart, but accidents are not,

half drunk, awake, changing diapers really late,

whatever the reason, she is gone, like the season gone wrong,

all night she’ll appear; in your dreams for years.

Shall I die, shall I leave; but who said I’m alive? its just reel.

Punctuations, exclamations, starvations, generations

random words floating around, Im blank all in this sound,

what words can heal, I not know,

but have been in deep snow,

I gave up and waited low,

for dementors to kiss me slow,

then I felt a warm hand,

that dug me from my quicksand,

You will find, just like me,

life does not end with she,

It is cruel, it is hard,

but it wont stay that way pard.

for my pal…

How far I’ve gone or come?

from the nearest bottle of rum,

from pillar to pillar just pipped at the post,

all for better now that I know

Ferrero rocher is good

Bournville is better though!

finally have staved my sweet tooth

digging it to some dark passion fruit

yummy yummy it fills my tummy

much like a buffet in taj would.

Happy at last, outdone the f*rts

finally at the stool

which saved me from hunger

at a time of povertyhood

amazing what wonders

my box of chocolates could

Shouldering arms, letting things go

arms alas are trying to row

far away from days gone by

never wanting to see the sky

A smile, tear or whisper near

afraid of ghosts at each turn

alas no turn in this tunnel appears

to run into enemies unknown.

Caught instead in the crack of walls

waiting for spiders – the last call

whether up or down I go

without incident shall I ne’er know?

dementors wait in laughters chill

smiles that make souls shrivel!

where to go, what to do?

spiders everywhere, I am doomed.