Yaaaaawwwwnnnnn….WP what year is it?

Wow…just got my answer from the windows calendar facility in my sis’s windows machine..with a nice widescreen acer 19 inch monitor(loooks aweesssooommmeee)…its been three months since my last blog post…feels like a real hibernation(well funnily even the timing kinda matches with the deplorable chinna summer called winter in chennai). Anyways..I have so many things I wanna tell you..but if I did all that this would be the ‘highlights of  last three months’ instead of oruaviyindiary …so let me start of by talking abt my New Year.

Considering that December had both Christmas and new year it was a great time for me to just chill and not bother abt anything in life…well I wish atleast…had to learn a language…and create an app with loads of complicated two three line Mathematical formulae plus had to do this by new year(needless to say I didnt…but I did make considerable progress though…if that matters)…but then christmas came and went before I could blink…

Thats when I was doubly sure that new year Im going to have fun even if I end up breaking a leg!…and lo behold just when I thought the least I could do is go to the beach and start shouting like a jobless hag when the clock strikes twelve my saviour arrived in the form of dilip..so happily being invited to a private party I wore a stupid pink shirt and dragged my unshaven self to the Green Park hotel…

Thankfully that place had a saloon and I shaved before ppl started suspecting whether a beggar had sneaked in somehow…but my fashion disaster of a shirt could not be taken off for a more acceptable attire…worst still it was a glitter themed party..thankfully the lights were out soon and ppl were partying hard enough not to notice(atleast thats what I hope happened)…so I danced away with all the rigour of a person desperate to have fun after a long time…

Like I said…I was going to have fun even if I broke my leg…well…I wish I hadnt thought like that cus I damn nearly broke it!…the dance floor was pretty old because of which the boards were not on an even keel(thats the reason the guy who sets the board gave me). Funnily I saw this earlier in the evening and actually asked him and expressed my fear that some0ne might twist their ankle to my friend and other organizers…Little did I suspect that poor soul would end up being moi!!!

Anyway, I was dancing away with all my vigour when lo behold I twisted my ankle at around 11:40 PM!!! just 20 mins to midnight and I cant even celebrate!!! No way I said to myself…so after a short rest and some excellent first aid massaging from my friend with the usual ice packs I was determined to ignore pain…damn Im not going to let my new year start off with me watching from the sidelines moaning away at my misfortune…hell that aint never gonna happen…so much to the chargin of my friends and the delight of the fellow party goers I was back on the floor(keeping away from the joins of course)..and danced my way to midnight at 2k9…for a long time one of my friends had this status message…2008 sucks big time..2009 come soon!…it would’ve been okay from even oct…but this dude had the same status message on gtalk since feb 2k8!!!…well dude…if ur reading this I hope u aint looking forward to 2k10 now!! …anyway..I had a rough 2k8 2k9 has started suprisingly in a promising manner….lets see where it goes…as for me…like Bilbo biggins said…’I think Im ready for another adventure’…

khabi kudh par hasaya…(k)abhi khud par roya

wierd things happen when you are laughing…you never notice the ppl who are crying right next to you…and when you cry you expect ppl arnd u not to be happy…fat chance dipshit…

I aint here to give life’s lessons…but things I see arnd me and things I do(am sure Im doing many things wrong) kinda make me sick…like a comment mentioned in my senseless violence post…we Indians are used to ppl dying arnd us…and sometimes even joke abt it in a sarcastic way..you never realise the gravity of it till it happens to you…

Right now…I have nothing to do…nothing to write abt…nothing to look forward to…nothing to be proud about…hmmm…is that to be laughed at because I have a tension free life or is it to be cried for because I have done nothing meaningful??? Meaningful…funny…I never thought things I did anytime…but apparently they made sense to someone who was listening…how often have we done things which seemed trivial and unimportant to us but we did it because it was the right thing…usually they turn out to be the sanest and the best decision we could have made at that time…but hey if we start doing stuff because we know its gonna do some good…there is nothing wrong in that either…

coming back to the topic…well…will continue this later…time to catch my bus

the end of the line

You know there is a lakshman-rekha…or as they say elsewhere in the world…a pt of no return…no one has ever been able to fixate where that point lies…how to identify if u are nearing the pt…and u only know u have crossed the pt of no return when u actually cross the pt of no return…

 

No amt of speculation…no amt of wishy washing can take the brutal reality of the fact that things can never be the same again…no amt of mollycoddling and pleading will change it…no amt of praying and braying will heal it…basically you cant do shit after that…

 

When you reach that point…you have two options…to accept it and move on…or dwell on it and die…and the choice is not as logical as it seems…some ppl are more inclined to and attracted by self destruction while others find this an opportunity for self appraisal and correction…you cannot fault either for the choice he makes because well…thats why its called a choice right?

 

Its not enough that you change…the people you want forgiveness from need to change as well

That quote was from a movie called The Last Dance…I found it quite surreal actually…
Time is ticking away…I have a date with fate…lets see when morning decides to show up…

Almost Forgot…Happy B’day Gandhi dude…hope ur rest has been peaceful…and hope you dont find reasons to get up for a while…well even if u do u cant so chill man

Mindless Madness

Senseless Deaths

If there was anything which makes any sense to you about the above link…pls lemme know..in the meantime feel free to read my views on this

Ok…first of all…all religious fanatics and general VHP, RSS, SIMI,(christian grps), etc etc ppl who believe its ok to kill for religion read my post and leave a comment or you are welcome to fuck off from my blog…your presence here makes my online avatar’s wireless blood agitate all the electrons nearby…now for the action

Recently I have been observing a very interesting trend…first bangalore..hyderabad…bombay…ahemedabad…delhi…delhi…gujarat…XYZ…XYZ(probably hyderabad and bangalore in that order)…the blasts have been in shopping areas…near mosques…basically places where ppl will die…and in all that while the last thing we need is jingoism which unfortunately is the only thing which we seem to have? I mean we have the maximum death toll to any other country than Iraq!!! we are definitely screwing up somewhere big since even ‘dangerous’ countries like pakistan dont feature in that list!!!…Yesterday a friend of mine joked when we were going to have a bomb blast every week…as if it were some weekend picnic decision…but sadly thats the way it is right now…but what can a poor blogger do but crib abt it and hope that he lives to write another post…cheerio

Anusha: Why didnt you tell me before you were gonna give me a surprise b’day party?? I would have stayed home!!

ok…I know its a long title..but this post wouldnt have made sense without that as the title and nothing else…

I always was under the impression that surprise b’day parties were supposed to be…well a surprise!!!..come to think of it..maybe many of ur friends had also uttered such awesome party funny moments…well my friend is pretty special…she is probably one of very few ppl who shout, get bugged, curse me but still I dont feel any anger…infact its almost like my sister is shouting at me…you either brush it aside…or have a nice fight which u forget in like 10 seconds …anyway this babe had her b’day on 28th…man was it hilarious or what… I was the one who came up with the idea of giving her a party…but it was Dilip who came up with literally everything!!!!…

Well lemme start from the beginning…me, dilip and Anusha are all part of this group called YFE Chennai(Youth for Equality)…we were/are still mindless romantics trying to do our bit to change our country and try to prevent unreasonable exploitation and reverse discrimination…more than all this the fact which drew all of us together was the overwhelming fact that our country has been and is being taken for a ride by politicians by using false data, illogical words but alot of ‘we belong to your caste’ jingoism to meet their own stinking ends…anyway…YFE bought us together..and friendship kept us together..even now I sometimes wonder with amazement how so many of us with such different backgrounds end up being so friendly an helpful…its kinda surreal…anyways flashback over…back to the story now

So due to majorly nt having any mode of transport except my own two feet for which Im really thankful…esp in chennai I called up vivek and dilip whether they were interested in giving a surprise b’day party to…tan ta dan… Anusha. Well we both almost ‘hit’ it off in our first meeting itself…literally…but thats a story for another day..when I have nothing to write …well…lemme put it this way…she is one of the coolest and awesomely independent women I have ever met…and well she aint gonna take shit from anyone…and is refreshingly honest and straightforward(which I absolutely admire)…and probably one of the few ppl who is brutally honest and expects brutal honesty…seri vishayathukku varen…sorry I kinda do this alot…disgressing I mean…

So basically I asked vivek to get the cake but he couldnt spare time cus his kid bro had come to town and he was showing him the sights(literally )…so dilip(really sweetly) went till egmore to buy a really yummmy black forest cake with some party crackers(or whatever they are called..dil correct me pls)…then we arrived at Anusha’s place…and would you believe it…her house was locked…Then I started getting those murderous looks from vivek and dilip(esp dilip since he had travelled like a zillion miles for this)…But in my defence I called up Anusha at 12:20 to ask her if she was at home…she said she was…and we had german class at 2..so I assumed she was having lunch at home…I called up Anusha…and thankfully their family(an awesomely honest and hilarious mom…a really cool care a damn sis) was having soru at some kerlala place nearby…so off we went…with the parcel in hand…and lo behold…we managed to surprise Anusha …and when we narrated the incident of how we came home etc…she uttered those golden words

Why didnt you tell me before you were gonna give me a surprise b’day party?? I would have stayed home!!

Well…she cut her cake…embarassed her in a restaurant by singing her a birthday song…spoilt her chicken lunch(which she had in the evening btw) by giving her cake…I was dead hungry and so I had an extra large portion…vivek had his usual size to size proportional portion…dilip was afraid to spoil his camera so skipped the cake(ironic considering he was the one who put in so much effort to buy the cake in the first place)…and me and Anusha got dropped(anusha went home for a bit to pickup her books) at ‘in a word’ to attend another regular german class…and ya…thats abt it…awesome day it was too…

the 5:00 PM syndrome

Recently I have been noticing a rather disturbing trend in myself. I have started feeling emotionally unstable at the hour mentioned in the title…I have absolutely no idea why….why my worst memories come flooding at that time…the biggest fears scare the life outta me…the most dangerous of thoughts invade my mind…

There are very few things which can drive a man to insanity…but what those things are vary from person to person… Insanity…funny word..does it mean in-sanity? or does it mean absence of sanity…if it means absence of sanity is there a proven methodology to discover the presence of it? Or is it that everyone is assumed to have sanity in them unless proven otherwise…well whatever it is from my rants u might probably think I have an absence of sanity or maybe a lower level of sanity than which is publicly prescribed as having been ‘normal’ or safe…maybe you are right..maybe you are wrong..but I bet u cant prove it…

coming back to the 5:00 PM syndrome…one idea which I pondered over a bit was that maybe Im feeling like that because thats quitting time…i.e. ppl with a family,things to do(a.k.a ppl who had a life) left the office…and the same time when ppl who had absolutely no idea what they were going to do with themselves in the evening stayed back in the hope that they could do something meaningful..something which would make them feel as if they have a meaningful life…or maybe ppl dont care abt it right now…but I do…and It kills me to know I have nothing to go back to…no reason to go home…no reason to wait for the evening to arrive…or the day to end…even when the day to begin it holds no meaning…just another mindless day spent in office…trying to do work…talk to ppl…try and appear normal..when I clearly am not feeling normal..when everything around me seems wrong…is incomplete…what is it that will complete it is something I dont know anymore…

Happiness…its such an understimated thing…ppl dont realise how happy they were till they become unhappy…and once they become unhappy all they can think of is trying to become happy again…the only happiness they knew..but what if that happiness can never come back? what if the happiness is to be searched elsewhere? what if the happiness is to be waited for…what if its darkest before dawn but u dont know when its dark enough…when it seems as if light may never come again…when the heart and head are so heavy one body seems too less for it…when sweat and blood are absent from churchill’s famous war cry….when music makes u sad..cartoons make you wonder with fear…movies make u disgusted at the meaningless of it all..when in general you are thinking about thinking and in the process dont know what to think about anymore…when you are typing words coming to your head in the hope that it would make some sense but in reality makes no sense to anyone even you..but you type them anyhow!!!! in the mere hope that maybe once or sometime in the future these words that you are typing will show you the way even though they are words typed by you!!!

Everything around you seems like noise now…everything around me seems meaningless…life seems meaningless…on top of all this you have to fool ppl into thinking you are ok…that nothing is wrong…because the moment they find something is wrong they become more curious to find the source than the solution…cant fault them…how can you when you yourself are not sure where it all began…where its going to end…life can be lived in the moment for whom the moment is joyful…but when the past is what you want and future has no past in it how can the present have any joy?????the day begins with fear and ends with a tear…I just hope the end is near

Today is the Tomorrow I dreaded Yesterday

This particular phrase is stuck in my head the entire morning…ok before u guys start wondering WTF this guy is talking abt, lemme give u some background.

Im a guy who likes to plan..analyse stuff..atleast have an idea what Im gonna do and where my life is going etc etc..I used to be a happy go lucky guy who lived in the moment..then something happened..I changed..to this person who analyses why things happened…whether things can be changed..whether things can be corrected..

Friends have been telling me to stop analysing and live…things I used to tell my friends not so long ago!!!…so what happened to me? Im yet to figure out…maybe I got used to having some idea of my future which made me feel safe…now that I cant see anything instead of feeling free..Im feeling insecure..miserable..scared..and all else.. Im slowly trying to get myself to my old happy go lucky self..

Now I come to the title of the passage(funny its coming so late..but thats the order in which it came to my head so Im writing in that order ) I see this programme called ITAS(In the Actor’s Studio) on Sony Pix..If u haven’t seen that programme yet well…watch it!!!…esp for movie lovers…It features top notch actors describing their experiences and how they got to where they are…also there is another show on zee-cafe monday nights at 9:30 called pain before the fame which describes the trials and tribulations famous stars had to go through before they became famous…but thats diverging…

Today in ITAS the person invited was one of my all time favourite actors Sir Anthony Hopkins(hannibal if u cant place him) He described how he got through some really bad 15 years of his early life..where he was haunted by a bad performance and he used to dread the next day arriving..and so on for a very long time..he came out of it by realising and accepting that the current day which he is spending dreading tomorrow is exactly the day he spent dreading abt yesterday..and nothing he dreaded happened but still he dreaded abt tomorrow..which is exactly what I’ve been doing lately..Im trying to get out of it..but as they say..easier said than done..will I do it? Time will tell

breach of trust

I have long wondered what this term meant…did it mean you cheated a person…double crossed maybe? or even bitched about them behind their back…but the worst breach of trust happens when you need to ‘confirm’ the other person’s story…or tell him that I cant possibly say because I was not there? Logically that sounds amazingly simple…but it just kills the trust…imagine this…a little kid tells his mom he is telling the truth…but the mom goes and asks the neighbour every single time to ‘confirm’ what this boy is saying…how will this kid ever trust his mom again?

Well this type of breach of trust happens only in the most sacred and close relationships (best frnd..parents..partner)…but this is the reason why its the most dangerous!!…would you guys rather trust and be let down/lied to…or would you rather verify and keep it on the sly which may destroy the relationship if it was ever found out…personally I would rather trust and be cheated…it might hurt alot when it happens…but chances of it happening arent worth it…

clearly and emphatically confused…but it rocks!

ok…so movies are not supposed to impress you in such a way you screw up your life

I mean who has actually been so ‘inspired’ by RDB to pottu thallify Arjun Singh(I wish)… anyway having successfully avoided being ‘inspired’ by movies to take stupid decisions for a long time..I guess my time was up…rock on might nt be a typical rock movie..but when a guy is so emotionally unstable like me at the moment and is totally confused where life is taking him…plus not happy with what he is and what he is doing currently…such movies can cause pure havoc!!!…and it has…

wonder if RDB had come right now whether I wud’ve looked for a katta and put a nice piece of lead in some old ‘putta case’ buzzard who is making life miserable for all arnd him by just not dying(*hint hint*)…

seriously…whoever bothers reading my ramblings I just have one doubt…have any of you given up the ’safe’ options and gone on to do something which u really wanted to do but not sure of success but did it just to see if u cud???? I am planning such a drastic course of action…it might sound crazy but here goes…I’ve always wanted to do plays right?? now that Im kinda not having any responsibilities…its the best time to screw up your life so that u have enough time to rescue it ….so hopefully….if I have things going somewhat the way I want it to…I might start taking the path to realising my dreams….lights, camera ACTION!!

eternal ramblings of a jobless mind – part 1

here I am…sitting in office…waiting for the three stooges who call themselves my roomates…pretending they are busy working while spending the whole day acting so cool as if they finished all their work(I guess they even fooled themselves into believing that they did) Im bugging their butts off to move their backsides so that we can go home…an uneventful day if u discount the fight I had with a HR lady in my office whether the company was restricting the number of printouts we can take in view of the Green policy of the company or are the ppl who make the rules being plain stingy(my misigivings have been strengthened by the fact tht the ppl who work here to make money cant take prinouts but the ‘babus’ and ‘babuies’ can take as many pages as they wish(maybe I will ask them to take a printout of the company policies on used toilet paper)…anyway…where was I…oh yeah…these useless roomies of mine have decided that they dont like staying at home and therefore have forced me to stay with them in an non ac-fied(maybe another ‘green measure’???) brightly lit room…the 8:30 bus came and went…grrr…now am hungry and avi doesnt like to be hungry…am off to drag them home so that we can get some good grub(hopefully not abhiruchi or hot chips)