countdown begins

1/11/11 to 11/11/11. 10 days to my wedding. I’m so mindfucked right now, I don’t think I’ll get the wedding jitters. good for me.

nameless

real life scenarios draining my life
caustic words burn
demonic sparrows leading me to
cliff of eternal mourn

killers now dying in my head
arrows of flowers
pounding around like bread
into the ovens spurned.

kindled like fires of etna
sacrificed a damsel
revelled in the gore yonder
here I come hell.

manic or maniac #youprefer

For a long time now I have been dealing with an existential crisis of a different kind. Whether my mind exists in one reality or in alternate realities which move around when time comes and goes. Past hauntings future misigivings and present misery form most of my day with a few beautiful breaks in the form of a sweet voice thrown in between. Now even that sweet voice has become a reason for torture for this tortured soul. What if I lose my mind, or even worse, lose it and don’t realize its gone. My brain is in a daze and Im hardly able to concentrate. Sleep when it lasts seems like an intermission for the sense of foreboding which I seem to thrive on as an existential necessity than anything which tends to relax and rejuvinate.

In the midst of all of this, I have one of the most important and cherished events for a person’s life which I desperately want to happen as normally as possible happening in the most bizarre fashion. Its a stuff of a film makers dream and a protagonist’s nightmare. Though my mind is clear about what I want its the surrounding confusion relating to everything from fighting past demons, reliving horrors which Im not even sure exist outside my own mind and having a general hallucination tendency to convert reality into imagination and vice versa. This post though is written during one of my clearer moments which have eluded me for so long it feels like a new lease of life just to be clear about what Im feeling even if the feeling is unpleasant. Thank you Murphy for ruining my life.

In spite of the persistent c’est la vie which has become my life over the past few years, the yearning of knowing what I want to do in life and not able to move towards it for numerous reasons which only my mind can fully comprehend isn’t very pleasant. I used to earn less but be a king, now I earn more but feel like a prisoner. In neither of the states was I happy. Is this a fault of my mind or is this what reality is supposed to be? The matrix had a very interesting allusion as to how the human mind rejects every situation where fear,threat or unpleasantness is absent because it considers it unreal. But this constant feeling of being on guard and tunneling through the life as though it was a block of iron ore has left me pretty tired and almost delusional right now. I went through a blog about manic depression and I fear, very really that it might be me right now. The blog ends with a quote :

‘Have you ever been afraid of your own sanity?’ the answer is a very resounding yes. Im feeling it right now and have felt it for as long as I can remember. What gives me the jitters is, Im not even sure the ‘as long as I can remember’ has a particular time frame associated with it.

wallow in the wisp?

early morning before my time,

wake up to goundamani’s rhyme,

start meezik plays in my ears; suddenly I remember

Its already past my scheduled wake

all I can now do is make haste

 

walking around fiddling my thumbs

waiting for transport or more like some rum

neatly dressed like I’ve never been; I walk

into the mist searching the unseen.

 

Arrive at the place an hour before asked

twiddling thumbs and beating heart

my name called out I enter the den

shocked to find paper and pen!

 

I haven’t written in 4 years I protest!

nothing is easy in this life: I detest

looking through numbers and figures

wishing it was megan fox’s rears

 

Asked to ‘solve’ some problems I was

shocking that I cant really figure myself out

said some gyan worked some style

all the while shaking inside

 

finally asked to take my leave

what happened? I know not, fate not sealed?

all day looking at the phone my God

I hope I don’t wallow, but didnt I just start?

KD Kadai – 101

Today I had a really surreal moment (before K. Chandrasekaran decided to abuse me on our sametime.  I am going to ignore him for now..where was I again? Oh yeah I had a surreal moment today. It’s not often that you are really happy someone is born(no I did not become a father and no Im not talking abt my girlfriend). This bugger was born arnd 25-26 years back. He and a few others who I will chronicle from now like constable numbers in old tamil films (203, 501 etc). Another interruption…strange how things plot against you revealing an intimate moment to the whole wide world..anyway I shall continue. He and a few others managed to get me out of the worst crisis of my entire life. How did I suddenly think of him now? well because I just came back after attending his father’s(who I saw for the first time ever) sashtayidapurthy(screw the spelling). Now I might be a lot of things, but falling at the feat is something I did very rarely(usually when my mother stared at me as if I screwing someone in the marriage hall). But thi time I didnt need any goading, I was truly grateful for them and wished them a long and happy life and took their aashirvaadam.

Now for the story:

I had a dream. Though it didnt have any black or white people in it. It had a brown lass. Someone who I cared for like nothing I had ever cared for in my entire life. Typical of me then to go and screw it up(that part of how stays with me). In the torturous months which followed, I became a kind of mental(not that I was not already) but I became worse. Drinking problems arose, and like torrential rain so did suicidal thoughts(again this is for later). I somehow managed to drag myself to office and come back home. My roomies who were also my lab mates made sure I did. Sure enough days turned to months and nothing improved. I didnt knw how the news reached this guy(we werent like chaddi buddies) but he had the patience and heart to take a thankless and sometimes wierdass guy(alone risking his own safety I might add) to every place he could think off.  Trying to get my mind working back again. He introduced me to friends(in front of whom I made an ass of myself but at that time I was more like dead anyway so I didnt care) got sloshed in a beach party, went to a new year’s party looking like a guy who came for his first dentist appointment! He even took me to blur(its a gaming center in chennai) ferrying me across chennai(yes Im a bikeless mickey mouse) without ever uttering a word as to why he was doing this and without expecting even an acknowledgment from me. In my eyes that takes a lot of patience and even more amount of love for a friend. Hell I was in that state of mind in which I didnt even recognize what he was doing for me. Now Im back to normal(my kinda normal at least :D) and I wanted to thank my friend through this post. He is one of the reasons why Im walking this earth happily and not like a zombie(another pt is I might not be walking this earth at all).

So Dilip Muralidharan my sincere thanks and gratitude forever for your love, friendship, support and tolerance through the worst period of my life. I love you man and will be there for you throughout my life.

chinnathirai…mega serial

In one corner of India 3 Indians who left their plum jobs in the USA to start their own company. Their reason? They wanted to help the country. They wanted India to move from a consumer country to a producer country(other than children i.e.) Such noble thought, such noble efforts, such…..such a useless pursuit….lets face it…think of all the kidneys and kannadi mamas and basically uncool characters you have seen from school and college…how many of them have succeeded….anyway my post is not about that…Ekta Kapoor once said she makes afternoon serials women centric because they are the ones who watch it!….fair enough but I cant believe why any woman would prefer watching trash to something that makes sense. I mean given a choice would women watch all the K soaps instead of something else. The question which beats me is what that something else actually is???? Is there anything as universal in the world of oestrogen which makes them tick as much as a K serial? If so why isnt anyone making it!!!!!…I mean seriously it cant get worse than this can it?