For a long time now I have been dealing with an existential crisis of a different kind. Whether my mind exists in one reality or in alternate realities which move around when time comes and goes. Past hauntings future misigivings and present misery form most of my day with a few beautiful breaks in the form of a sweet voice thrown in between. Now even that sweet voice has become a reason for torture for this tortured soul. What if I lose my mind, or even worse, lose it and don’t realize its gone. My brain is in a daze and Im hardly able to concentrate. Sleep when it lasts seems like an intermission for the sense of foreboding which I seem to thrive on as an existential necessity than anything which tends to relax and rejuvinate.
In the midst of all of this, I have one of the most important and cherished events for a person’s life which I desperately want to happen as normally as possible happening in the most bizarre fashion. Its a stuff of a film makers dream and a protagonist’s nightmare. Though my mind is clear about what I want its the surrounding confusion relating to everything from fighting past demons, reliving horrors which Im not even sure exist outside my own mind and having a general hallucination tendency to convert reality into imagination and vice versa. This post though is written during one of my clearer moments which have eluded me for so long it feels like a new lease of life just to be clear about what Im feeling even if the feeling is unpleasant. Thank you Murphy for ruining my life.
In spite of the persistent c’est la vie which has become my life over the past few years, the yearning of knowing what I want to do in life and not able to move towards it for numerous reasons which only my mind can fully comprehend isn’t very pleasant. I used to earn less but be a king, now I earn more but feel like a prisoner. In neither of the states was I happy. Is this a fault of my mind or is this what reality is supposed to be? The matrix had a very interesting allusion as to how the human mind rejects every situation where fear,threat or unpleasantness is absent because it considers it unreal. But this constant feeling of being on guard and tunneling through the life as though it was a block of iron ore has left me pretty tired and almost delusional right now. I went through a blog about manic depression and I fear, very really that it might be me right now. The blog ends with a quote :
‘Have you ever been afraid of your own sanity?’ the answer is a very resounding yes. Im feeling it right now and have felt it for as long as I can remember. What gives me the jitters is, Im not even sure the ‘as long as I can remember’ has a particular time frame associated with it.